Two years ago, a friend of mine experienced adultery in her marriage. This shocked me. And it shocked her, too. This is because her marriage to her husband, Bill, is what you would have considered a ‘perfect marriage.’ When she told me she was filing for divorce due to infidelity, I was almost certain I had misheard. But there we had it. Bill indeed cheated. This incident has since made me curious about the psychology behind cheating and lying in relationships. Does it have anything to do with the spouse, or is it entirely about the cheater? Let’s find out.
I should mention that cheating and lying frequently go hand in hand. And they are so commonplace today that most people would do it without blinking an eye.
While each has complex motives that go deep within our psyche, both are deceptive behaviors that can harm both the recipient and the liar/cheat. If you are as curious as I am to learn more about the nexus of causes for cheating and lying or the psychology underlying cheating and lying, read on.
Why Do People Cheat?
If you’re reading this, I suppose you’re looking for an answer to why people cheat. I was inquisitive, just like you. After learning about the Bill incident, with my buddy completely believing she must have done something wrong to inspire Bill to cheat, I’ve been genuinely curious and plagued by these very thoughts.
Here’s what I’ve discovered: There are numerous reasons why individuals may delight themselves by lying and cheating at the expense of others, but there are deep psychological roots as to why people lie and cheat. They include individual, relational, and situational factors. Additionally, from my research, I have discovered that individuals may cheat for a variety of reasons, including discontent, a need for novelty, or a lack of emotional connection. They may also cheat as a type of self-sabotage in response to low self-esteem or feelings of worthlessness.
One thing is certain: the reasons for cheating are always personal, never biological.
Psychological Facts About Cheating Men
I have heard several persons say men are incapable of fidelity. How true is this? Does this assertion have any statistical or scientific backing? According to the Journal of Social Psychology, men fall in love more quickly than women. Not only that, but they express their affection sooner than women. Men are commonly believed to be less emotional than women due to hyper-masculinity and societal and cultural norms. So, combine hyper-masculinity with the idea that males are incapable of fidelity, and you’ve got the foundation for an episode of cheaters.
Now, let’s look at some psychological truths concerning cheating men.
#1. It Might Not Be About You
Most men cheat with the idea that “my needs aren’t being met here, so I might as well look elsewhere.” However, this is most likely due to a lack of communication. Not communicating with your partner about your needs and relationship means you’re not taking the initiative to improve it.
This frequently occurs when males perceive a lack of control in their relationships.
#2. Many People Feel That Men Are Biologically Incapable of Committing to a Relationship
Often, when men sense the need to cheat, they persuade themselves that “men are polygamous in nature.”
Bill may have experienced a moment of weakness. Rehearsing the already implanted beliefs that “men are polygamous in nature” might have justified his reasoning at that particular moment.
#3. Infidelity Can Be Used to Gain Power or Control.
For some, if not most men, cheating provides a sense of control in their relationship. To them, demonstrating that they can get affection and sex from a variety of people would keep their partner on their toes and attuned to their desires.
Psychological Facts About Cheating Women
The common argument that men are more inclined to cheat has been refuted. A 2011 Indiana University study discovered that men and women cheat at nearly the same rate. Here are some psychological reasons why a woman could cheat on you:
#1. Women Cheat for Emotional Validation
Just like their male counterpart, women cheat due to low self-esteem. To validate themselves and feel good about themselves, they may cheat on their partners. This is more likely to be about how she feels about herself (and if they deserve you as a companion) than about you.
#2. A Cheating Companion
Unlike men, who may have multiple sexual partners, women are more likely to have just one cheating partner. Almost always, there is an emotional link.
#3. She’s Unhappy
If a woman is unhappy with her relationship, she is more likely to cheat. It’s possible that she feels dissatisfied or unfulfilled when she’s with you. As a result, situational factors such as pressure at work and seeking consolation in an affair with a colleague may lead to her infidelity due to unhappiness.
#4. Diverse Social Life
Research indicates that women thrive on attention. They anticipate the majority of this attention from their partner. For women, it is generally a case of “out of sight, out of mind.” When a woman begins to feel neglected by her boyfriend owing to differences in their social activities, she is more likely to seek emotional connection outside of the relationship and so cheat.
Socializing with people outside of your friendship group is not an issue, but if she is vulnerable and you are not around, she may seek solace elsewhere.
Why Do Cheaters Want to Stay In Relationships?
After filing for divorce, my friend experienced numerous challenges. Surprisingly, Bill wanted to stay married despite having cheated. This perplexed me even more. Bill strayed because he was unhappy in his marriage; why would he want to stay in that unhappy marriage? I bet you’re equally wondering.
Well, it turns out that things aren’t quite that straightforward when it comes to the psychology of cheating and lying. People, emotions, and relationships are all complex.
While the whole situation may seem paradoxical, here are some reasons why cheaters like Bill desire to continue in their relationship.
Remember, I am not attempting to justify or excuse anyone’s conduct here. Cheating is harmful and wrong. It is a breach of trust that can result in severe agony. However, understanding why it happens might help us learn and, ideally, avoid similar circumstances.
#1. Guilt
The cheated individual may feel compelled to make amends and demonstrate to their partner that their misdeeds do not define them.
They may believe that they may improve themselves and right their wrongs. Staying in the relationship affords them a shot at redemption—an opportunity to repair the damaged trust.
#2. Fear of Harming Their Partner
A cheater may be overwhelmed by guilt and regret, believing that leaving their relationship will cause them additional misery. They may hope to hide their partner from reality to spare themselves from pain.
However, while this fear is motivated by worry, it can have a negative impact. It violates the partner’s right to know the truth and make decisions based on reality rather than illusions.
#3. Fear of Change
Many people wish to remain in their relationship even after they cheated because, in many circumstances, the prospect of experiencing changes might be enough to discourage someone from leaving a relationship, even if they’ve been unfaithful. These changes are not limited to only the relationship. It also encompasses other characteristics, such as changes in social position, financial circumstances, and living conditions.
#4. They Still Love Their Partner
This is surprising, given that we rarely think about love while discussing adultery.
And I completely agree: stating that cheaters love their partners is ironic, given that people would never injure the person they love.
However, some people do not mind cheating on their life partner for whatever cause, whether it is a drunken moment or a time to enhance and validate their self-esteem and ego.
#5. Fear of a Negative Reputation
No one likes cheaters, including cheats themselves.
The cheatee may tell others why if two people break up or divorce due to cheating.
They were cheated on, and that’s a serious hit to the cheater’s reputation, especially if they’re married—or worse, have children.
This may have an impact on their other relationships, careers, and other parts of life.
Nobody likes people who intentionally damage their families and then abandon them; therefore, many cheaters prefer to stay.
They don’t want to be outcasts or continually receive bad stares, something they should have considered before cheating!
The Role of Personality Types in Cheating and Lying
I cannot wrap up this article without discussing the role of personality traits in cheating and lying. This is because, like everything else, our personality, which is a natural tendency, can significantly impact how we think and act. And equally, because you cannot discuss the concept of psychology without talking about personality, even in concepts like cheating and lying.
For example, certain personality qualities, such as narcissism and Machiavellianism, have been related to an increased risk of cheating. This is typically due to a lack of empathy and a tendency to prioritize one’s interests over those of others.
Furthermore, following the big five personality qualities of conscientiousness, neuroticism, openness to experience, extraversion, and agreeableness, it has been observed that those who score high on specific traits such as openness, extraversion, and neuroticism have larger odds of cheating.
How to Identify and Deal With a Cheating Partner
When we are alert enough, we can spot unfaithful spouses. Often, there are tell-tale signals that we may overlook or dismiss as nothing. Shortly after the encounter with Bill, my buddy told me the indicators were there, but she rejected them as ‘nothing important.’
Here are some signs that your partner is cheating:
- Changes in communication
- Increased interest in appearance
- More time spent away from home
- Attitude changes
- Lying
- Avoidance
- Accusations of cheating
- Indifference
- Changes in your sex life
- Money issues
- Increased stress
- Secrecy •
Final Remarks on the Psychology Behind Cheating and Lying.
In conclusion, the psychology behind cheating and lying can be multifaceted. It often results from a combination of factors, including personality traits and environmental influences. However, by understanding the underlying reasons for these behaviors, we can begin to take steps to address them
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