You’re sitting at your desk, head in your hands, wondering why you’re such a failure. You feel like nothing you do is good enough, and you can’t seem to catch a break. You’ve been working hard, but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. You’re stuck in a rut and don’t know how to get out. Feeling like a failure is a tough emotion to deal with. But here’s the thing: failure is not a permanent state.
The first time I heard the word ‘colossal’ was when I was fifteen. It fell from my father’s lips and was followed by another word: ‘failure’. If I remember correctly, the complete sentence was something like this: “You are a colossal failure”, and it stuck. For the most part of my adolescence, after that encounter with the word failure, my life was a struggle. I became a state torn apart by a battle of opinions — other people’s opinions of me. I felt like a comprehensive, irredeemable failure, and that feeling was very convincing.
Why Am I Such a Failure at Everything?
For me, it was childhood trauma that made me feel like a failure. It could be different for you, but there are always only two options to choose from. You either overcome the sinking feeling of failure or become overcome by it. It is quite normal to avoid failure, to refuse to fail. However, the fact is that as long as you are trying out new things and taking opportunities, you are most likely to fail at some point. Failure is an inevitability. So, instead of running away from it, you could employ means to avoid the overwhelming feeling you get when you fail.
It is also important to understand that most people will get this drowning feeling at some point in their lives. So, you are not alone! Failure is an opportunity to learn and grow. So, instead of dwelling on your perceived failures, ask yourself what you can learn from them. Can you find the silver lining? In this article, we will answer the questions you have about feeling like a failure and coping mechanisms to get you back to winning ways.
If you’re feeling like a failure, it may be because you’re setting unrealistic goals for yourself, you’ve recently experienced some disappointments, or you’re comparing yourself to others. It’s important to remember that failure is often a part of the process of success, and it doesn’t define you as a person. You may also want to consider talking to a therapist or counsellor who can help you work through your feelings. There’s no shame in reaching out for help when you need it. Let’s go over a couple of reasons why you feel like a failure at everything.
1. You Have Unrealistic Expectations
A common definition of failure is falling short of the goals you set for yourself. If your expectations are unrealistic, given your circumstances, you’re more likely to feel like a failure. For example, if you don’t have the resources or time to achieve your goal, it may be out of reach. It’s important to remember that failure is a part of life and can lead to valuable learning experiences. If you feel like you’re a failure, you can try adjusting your expectations to be more achievable. You may also consider consulting a professional for support and guidance.
2. So Much Was Demanded of You as a Child
If I may, I fall into this category. I grew up with a highly demanding father whose love language was to try to get me to do everything right for my sake. But that entire process was too pressuring for me, and many times, I gave in. In the end, I had the feeling of failure to fight off. If you had critical parents or caregivers while growing up, you may have trouble convincing yourself that you are not a failure.
For instance, your parents might have had a certain idea of what your future should look like. Maybe they wanted you to attend a specific school, get a certain kind of job, and marry a certain type of person. If you didn’t meet those expectations, you may have felt like a disappointment. You may even have been made to feel guilty or like a failure. But remember that your life is your own, and it’s okay to make your own choices. You don’t have to live up to anyone else’s expectations.
3. You Have Impostor Syndrome
When you have imposter syndrome, you might feel like a fraud. You might doubt your own abilities, skills, and accomplishments. You might feel like you don’t deserve the success you’ve had and that you’re not really good enough. This can lead to feeling like you’re incompetent and that any mistakes you make are huge failures. It can also cause you to dismiss your successes as being down to luck rather than your own skills and hard work. Basically, imposter syndrome can make you doubt your own abilities, no matter how much evidence there is to the contrary.
Just because it seems like other people have it all figured out, it doesn’t mean they do. Everyone is still learning, and we all make mistakes. It’s okay if you’re not perfect, and you don’t need to put so much pressure on yourself. Even if you stumble, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure; it just means you’re human. And that’s what makes life interesting! Everyone’s path is different, and it’s okay if you don’t have it all figured out. You’re doing just fine.
What Are the Signs of Feeling Like a Failure?
Our feelings can be hard to name sometimes, and yes, it is possible that you are feeling like a failure without even realizing it. It is also possible that we are inwardly wrestling feelings of failure while pretending to be just fine. This is why you have to look out for the signs. If you are secretly feeling like a failure, you might notice the following symptoms:
- Negative self-talk, such as constantly telling yourself that you’re not good enough.
- Self-doubt, questioning your abilities and accomplishments.
- Perfectionism, setting high standards for yourself that are impossible to meet.
- Feelings of anxiety and overwhelm, especially when it comes to your career or personal goals.
- A lack of satisfaction with your life, even when you’re achieving success.
- A lack of self-compassion, being overly critical of yourself.
- A lack of confidence, feeling like you can’t do anything right.
Healthy Tips to Cope With Feeling Like a Failure
It’s essential to recognize that feelings of failure are a normal part of the human experience. In fact, they’re inevitable. No matter how successful you are, you’re bound to experience failure at some point in your life. And that’s okay! It doesn’t make you a bad person or mean that you’re not good enough. On the contrary, it’s an opportunity for growth and learning. Instead of trying to run from or deny your feelings, try approaching them with curiosity and self-compassion. That way, you can learn from them and use them to your advantage.
Here are a few tips to help you manage your feelings of failure and inadequacy:
Be Compassionate to Yourself
If everyone else is going to treat you badly, you shouldn’t be part of them. In my version of the golden rule, it says, “Do unto yourself what you want others to do to you”. You owe yourself the kindness you want others to treat you with. The rest of us may not know exactly how to show up for you, but you do. So, you’d be doing us a favour by showing us. Be kind to yourself, forgive your mistakes, and carry yourself like a trophy, a prized possession.
Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Comparison is a killjoy. For the most part, I was an unhappy teenager. I have a younger brother who has gifted hands. He is handy with tools, fixing everything around the house, but maybe I could have put up with only that. But my brother is also a talented pencil artist. He made portraits of every member of the family, and his subjects ended up loving his creation more than the original photo. On the other hand, I had no physical strengths. If you handed me a hammer, a bunch of nails, some screws and a piece of broken furniture, I wouldn’t know where to start. Soon enough, I started comparing myself with my brother, and he bested me every time.
There’s no easier way to lose focus of your strengths than comparing yourself to others. Comparison magnifies your insufficiencies and makes you feel more like a failure. Sometimes, it may not be you who began the comparisons. It may be caregivers, friends or people that matter to you. However, no matter how much success you see others making out of their lives, you must not let it overshadow yours.
The only person you should be in competition with is yourself. Strive to be a better version than you were yesterday. This is the only way comparison will be both helpful and healthy. For example, you can check how much you’ve learnt from the time you took up a job until now. You may just find that you’ve improved so much, and that alone is enough proof that you are not a failure.
Make a List of Your Achievements and Strengths
You may not feel like it right now, but there are definitely things that you excel at. Take some time to identify your strengths and write them down so you can refer to them when you’re feeling down on yourself. If you’re not sure where to start, ask your friends and family what they think your strengths are. Maybe you’re a great listener, an empathetic person, or an excellent cook. Whatever your strengths may be, make sure to give yourself credit for them! This simple practice can help boost your self-esteem and remind you of how capable you are.
Learn From Your Mistakes
Mistakes are actually an important part of the learning process. Rather than beating yourself up over them, try to view them as an opportunity to grow and improve. Ask yourself what you could have done differently and whether there were any valuable lessons to be learned from the situation. If you learn from your mistakes, you’ll eventually gain the knowledge and skills to make better choices in the future. Instead of being ashamed of making a mistake, try to see it as a chance to become a better version of yourself.
Practice Mindfulness
Taking a moment to step back from your thoughts and feelings can be really helpful when you’re feeling down on yourself. Try to observe your thoughts from a neutral, non-judgmental perspective, as if you were an outside observer. This is known as mindfulness and can help you to let go of negative thoughts and feelings. Once you can see them for what they are, you can choose whether or not to engage with them. This gives you more control over how you feel and think. It may take some practice, but it’s worth the effort.
Surround Yourself with Supportive People
When you’re struggling with feelings of failure, it can be really helpful to spend time with people who care about you and make you feel good about yourself. Whether it’s a close friend, family member, or romantic partner, surround yourself with people who can lift your spirits and give you the motivation you need to keep going. They can remind you of your strengths and what makes you a valuable person, which can help you to see yourself in a more positive light. So don’t hesitate to lean on the people you love when you need support.
Spend Time Doing What You Love
It can be really empowering to focus on the things you enjoy. Dedicate some time each week to doing activities that bring you joy and make you feel like your best self. Whether it’s playing an instrument, cooking, reading, or anything else that brings you pleasure, give yourself the gift of time to pursue your interests. Also, don’t forget to take care of yourself by getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating well. Self-care is vital to maintaining a healthy sense of self-worth.
Try New Things
Sometimes, the best way to feel more confident is to just take action and get out there, even if it feels scary. You might be surprised at what you discover about yourself and the world around you. Rather than holding back out of fear of failing, give yourself permission to try new things. It doesn’t matter if you make mistakes as long as you’re willing to keep going. Don’t be afraid to experiment, learn, and grow. Who knows what you might discover about yourself and your capabilities?
Set New, Achievable Goals
Set goals, make them achievable, and feel good about yourself as you reach them. Don’t set the bar too high. Instead, break down what you want to achieve into small steps. Reaching each step will make you feel good about yourself. Don’t feel like a failure just because your goals are not enormous. Achieving lots of little goals can be just as good as achieving one big goal.
See a Therapist
If you need more support, you should talk to a therapist. A mental health professional can help create a safe space for you where you can talk about your feelings without shame. There’s no weakness in getting professional help, so you don’t have to feel bad about getting therapy.
Final Thoughts
From time to time, we may get the feeling that we are not accomplishing enough. This is quite normal, but you must keep in mind that feeling like a failure should not be what defines you. You have the power to define your own success and find joy in your accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem. You can overcome feelings of failure by practicing mindfulness and self-compassion and doing what you enjoy most. Whatever you do, don’t lose sight of your personal magic. You are brilliant and you are doing just fine!