On most occasions when people are asked about their worst experience in a relationship, they say betrayal, dishonesty, backstabbing, cheating, disloyalty, and the list goes on. But there is one very important thing that is always left out and it’s emotional manipulation. Well, I can’t say if it is the worst or not but I can say that everything listed above makes a relationship unhealthy.
Emotional manipulation is always left out for two reasons. It’s either the victim doesn’t know he/she is being manipulated or doesn’t want to admit it. It’s funny how a lot of people believe they can’t be manipulated. perhaps because manipulators are so good that they do it without their victims knowing and that is because they are very skilled at what they do.
Common Questions People Ask About Manipulation
- How do I spot manipulators?
- Am I being manipulated?
- Am I manipulative?
- What’s the solution?
Manipulation means controlling something or someone to your own advantage, It’s more like moulding something just the way it suits you.
Emotional manipulation is an attempt to sway a person’s emotions to get them to act in a certain way or feel a certain thing( depending on what the manipulator wants).
You know how you bake, mix your flour and liquids to a particular texture depending on what you are baking. Now imagine someone doing that with your emotions. In simple terms, emotional manipulation is an unhealthy psychological strategy that people use to make people do things they want them to do.
The main aim of this content is for you to learn how to spot emotional manipulators and examine all your personal relationships. By finding out if you are a victim or a manipulator or even both and then the best way to go about it.
Anybody in your life can be manipulative, ranging from your parents to your boss, your partner, your friend, or even your children but it’s important to know that nobody deserves to be manipulated and you shouldn’t allow yourself to be manipulated by anybody no matter who.
How Emotional Manipulation Works
Just like it’s called emotional manipulation, emotions are the main thing in use here. It’s more like they use your own emotions and feelings against you. A manipulator would say or act in a certain way to release some kind of strong emotions or feelings like anger, fear, love, guilt, shame, trust, obligation, etc from their victims. Then they exploit the victims’ emotions using some sneaky tactics and mind games ( which you will find out in this write-up) to gain the power to manipulate their victims and control them.
Emotional manipulators gradually lower your self-confidence and in the process, your self-esteem reduces leaving your sense of self-worth in their hands. This however leaves you vulnerable and that is where they gain the power over you to do exactly as they will with you and your emotions. They damage the trust you have in your own perceptions.
| The victim | The aggressive |
| Guilt | fear |
| love | shame |
| trust | obligation |
Manipulators come in different forms but there can be broadly two kinds: those that play the victims and the aggressive ones. Those that usually act ”the victim” use emotions like guilt, love, and trust while the aggressive ones usually use fear, shame, and obligation to get what they want. One common characteristic of manipulators is that they don’t take NO for an answer. They can do just anything to get what they want. As much as some extreme manipulators are psychopaths and sociopaths, some of them still consist of people who don’t know how to ask for what they want in simple terms.
Tactics Emotional manipulators use (How do I spot manipulators?)
Emotional manipulators use the following tactics skillfully to get control of their victims. They are good at studying behaviour and they are equally good actors so it might not be exactly easy to spot them but knowing these tactics will go a long way.
”Home court Advantage”
A healthy relationship should be balanced and both parties should do things they are both comfortable with and when they don’t share similar interests they should take turns in compromising. Manipulators, always prefer their home, office, favourite eatery, etc. irrespective of what the other party thinks. This is very intentional and usually, the first step is just to make the other party less powerful because whether we believe it or not there is power in being in your favourite space, just anywhere you feel
absolutely comfortable. So if you have been compromising to meet someone at their space without them wanting to come into yours then you might just be getting manipulated. And please note that they would do this skillfully just so you won’t notice and that is why it’s called a tactic.
‘‘You know it’s a long drive to your place, just come over here”
Your office is too stuffy let’s use mine”
”The constant Victim”
Emotional manipulators play expert victims, no matter what happens they are never at fault. They don’t take responsibility for their actions. They always have a way of making you apologize to them when they are at fault because according to them you are the reason they messed up. Even when you do something wrong they overreact just to make you feel worse and then take advantage of that.
In as much as it might be important to take blame a few times in a relationship to maintain peace, if you do it very often then you are being manipulated it might not really be that you love peace as much as you think. Pay attention to how people behave when they offend you.
” You shouldn’t be mad, the problem is that you expect too much from me so sometimes I just don’t meet up’.’
“I only cheated because you don’t give me enough attention/ money, you know I am all alone in this world”
They skip relevant steps
When emotional manipulators come into your life they become everything you want them to be and even more. They skip the ”getting to know better stage” and just lose their guard, letting you into the sensitive part of their lives with the intention of making you feel special so you can also tell them sensitive things about yourself. They overwhelm you with a lot of information that you can’t possibly think through.
They want you to make a big decision about the relationship in a short time sometimes they even make it for you and expect you to go along. Learn to always move at your pace never be in a hurry with them, and think every step through.
“I have never felt this way about someone before, let’s date/ get married/ move in together”
”There is nothing to think about I think we are a perfect match, let’s merge the business”
Gaslighting
This is a tactic many manipulators use to get into their victim’s heads. Gaslighting is when someone makes you lose trust in your own instincts and memory. They will gradually make you lose faith in your grasp of reality. They intentionally create a different perception of what happened to twist the truth while omitting some others. At this point, you might be forced to believe that whatever you were thinking was a figment of your imagination. You might as well begin to question your sanity, and that’s how bad manipulation can get.
”I am sure I said Tuesday, gosh! you keep forgetting things”
‘”I am surprised the boss didn’t tell you yet, maybe he doesn’t trust you well enough it“
It is very possible to forget things or miss some details a few times but when you are constantly accused of it then you just might be getting manipulated.
Guilt-tripping
Guilt-tripping is another common tactic manipulators use to get control of their victims. They make you feel guilty so you can do exactly what they want. And just so you know, guilt is a very strong feeling and that is why most manipulators use it without their victims knowing. This is commonly used by parents, coworkers, bosses, friends. Most of the things they would make you feel guilty about you might not even be responsible for it.
” I told you I would go back to drinking if you leave me”
“Jason you know the sacrifices we made for you, you can say thank you by studying medicine”
Passive-Aggression
Sometimes when a manipulator is angry, hurt, or frustrated they don’t show it directly. They don’t even admit their anger they just silently do things that would hurt you. It’s more like a way of voicing out anger without directly expressing it. It can come in many forms like silent treatment, ambiguity in words, sarcasm, intentional poor productivity, and procrastination.
Emotional manipulators use passive aggression to make you feel a certain way and then they eventually get what they want. While sometimes they use it to avoid direct communications in order not to talk about the actual problem. The point is it’s all about the game for them.
” I’m sorry I misplaced the book didn’t know it was important to you”( they know just how important it is)”
‘ I’m sorry I missed your calls perhaps I wasn’t expecting any call from you since you don’t call much these days”
Deflection
When you bring up a topic that an emotional manipulator doesn’t want to talk about they deflect it and bring up something else. Manipulators always find a way of not talking about what they don’t want. So most times they turn the table to you leaving you speechless. They accuse you of always being negative or always nagging.
” Can’t we just have some peace here, you nag about everything”
“Don’t ask me where I am coming from when you haven’t told me who was on the phone”.
Love
Love is a very delicate emotion and can make us do things without thinking them through. This tactic is usually used by romantic partners, blood relations, and close friends. First, they overwhelm you with love and then make you believe that they are the only ones that can love you.
They always use the ”if you love me” phrase. The point is they question your love for them each time you say NO to something they want. They expect you to prove your love by doing exactly what they want. In as much as we love with our whole heart, we should still be conscious enough not to be taken advantage of. The terrible part of using this tactic is that some people end up feeling helpless that they see the signs of manipulation but believe they don’t want to admit it because they are ”in love”.
” If you really love me you would give me the complete money I asked for”
” Sometimes I wonder if you are really my mother”
Fear
We all know how it feels to be scared and the extent we can go just to feel safe, that is why emotional manipulators create fear in a person to be able to manipulate them. The funny thing is that they create fear and put themselves in the position to be the safety their victim needs, more like giving you poison and having the antidote. They use passive and actual threats too. They make their victim so comfortable with them and then they threaten to leave while reminding them that they know how to love them better than anyone else.
They can also use the threat of disclosure of information. Most bosses use this tactic to manipulate their workers. Remember all they need is to get what they want so they can go to any length, some manipulators have no limit. So if you ever find yourself in a position where always you have to make a decision out of fear then you might just be a victim of emotional manipulation.
” You should be grateful, Knowing your history if you leave here no one might be willing to employ you.”
“If you don’t sign the document, you won’t see me when you get back”
”Choose”
Have you ever been in a position where someone asks you point-blank to choose between two very important things in your life? The truth is they know it’s important and that’s why they asked you because no matter what your answer is they will use it against you or they can use it to guilt-trip you into doing what they want. No healthy relationship will put you in such a difficult situation.
” You will have to choose between me and your job? ”
” Who is your favourite child?’
“Me or your mother?”
Emotional manipulators can combine these tactics if one doesn’t seem to be working and when they find out you are getting smarter they double their effort.
Am I being manipulated?
I am very confident that at this point you should be able to answer this question. Remember while answering this you have to be totally honest with yourself because it might be difficult to accept that you are being manipulated by someone you really care about but sometimes that’s what life serves us and we always have the opportunity to accept it or reject it and in this case please do reject it.
It might not be easy to surround yourself with genuine people because someone can be genuine today and manipulative tomorrow. On another hand sometimes we don’t get to choose the people around us like family or boss.
The important thing is to always have it at the back of your mind that you are the sole owner of your life and Nobody is allowed to use you to their advantage.
The first step to being free of any manipulation is acknowledging the fact that you are being manipulated as hard as it might be.
Am I manipulative?
You don’t have to rush this answer just take a deep breath to relax and do a cross-examination of all your relationships. In this examination, you might find out you have been manipulative in one or two situations, but if it’s more often than that then we have some work to do. Don’t worry, irrespective of what your answer might be you are just in the right place of becoming a better version of yourself.
As human beings, we all have a similar drive of getting whatever we want but how we go about it is what makes us different. We find ourselves in constant relationships with people at home, work, and school just everywhere, and how we deal with them says a lot about who we are and if we are manipulative or not. Sometimes we find ourselves always pointing fingers without finding a little time to reflect and know if we are the actual problem.
Like I pointed out earlier you might be a victim of manipulation and still be a manipulator, maybe you are being manipulated at home but you are manipulative to your friends and your workers. That is why you really need to do this self-examination to be very sure.
Some Questions to Help You With Your Self-Examination
- Do you find it difficult to take NO for an answer?
- Do you simply ask for what you want or do you always have your way of getting it?
- Do you expect something in return while doing others a favour?
- Do you find yourself always twisting facts or lying just to get a reaction?
- Do you make people feel guilty about something they did just to make them do what you want?
- Do you always want to be in control?
- Are you persuasive?
- Do you find yourself making fun of people’s weaknesses or body shaming them?
If about three of your answers are YES then you are a manipulator. And the good news is it’s not a big deal to stop once you already feel bad about it.
you can take an online test using this link.
Some Questions to Help You With Your Self-Examination
For the Manipulators;
If you just found out that you manipulate people to get what you want then I know it might hurt your feelings but you are also very close to being a better person because you have done one of the most difficult parts which is acceptance. You might be having fun manipulating people to get your way, but trust me you will be much happier having an honest and genuine relationship with them. Now think about all the people around you, your loved ones don’t you think they deserve better than to be used? Some say that being an emotional manipulator is addictive especially if it always works for you.
The ugly part of emotional manipulation is that you are also harming the other person as much as yourself because if the person finds out they might become damaged like never love or trust again. Another ugly part of manipulation is that over time the manipulator loses his conscience and will be able to do unimaginable things just to get what they want. You can decide to change here and now to become better for yourself and everyone around you.
As much as I strongly recommend you see a therapist, you can still make an effort on your own.
Here Are Some Ways You Can Make a Conscious Effort to Stop Manipulation
- Understanding that NO is an answer as much as YES
- Apologizing immediately after you behave badly or when you are at fault
- Communicating what exactly you want from people in a healthy and direct way
- Being honest and genuine in all relationships
- Never dwell on people’s weaknesses, let their strengths be what you see
- Take responsibility for your actions
- Be entirely honest with your therapist.
Overcoming your self-doubt is also a good way to prevent manipulation.
For Victims of Manipulation;
You might want to think ”victim” is too strong a word to use but that is exactly what it is. Emotional manipulation can damage a person depending on how long they have been manipulated. They begin to lose their mind, their confidence, self-esteem, and in extreme cases sanity.
It might not have physical scars but the psychological effects are long-lasting. Now tell me if you still think ”victim” is a strong word. Like I said earlier don’t ever imagine you can’t be manipulated and if you just found out you are a victim then don’t ever blame yourself, it’s not your fault but it will be your fault if you don’t act on your findings.
As a victim of manipulation, there is no generalized solution because there are levels of manipulation as well as who the manipulator is to you. And that is why I recommend that victims equally need help to get back all they lost from the manipulation and then an appropriate way to deal with the manipulators. Remember you cant always walk away, the manipulator can be your parent, Child, sibling, or colleague.
It is extremely difficult to walk away in situations like this, that is why it is important to find a solution and technique appropriate for your situation. You can do that by going to therapy the therapist will guide you through every step.
Basic Ways to Handle Emotional Manipulators
- Set your boundaries and maintain them
- Know your strengths as well your weaknesses
- It’s very ok to say No or to take some time to think about it
- Trust your instincts always
- Don’t always take the blame for someone else
- Walk away from extreme situations no matter who they are
- Always have it at the back of your mind that you deserve the best
Want to learn more about addiction? Click here
A word from psychmoments
Once something doesn’t feel right in your relationship pay close attention and follow your instincts, stay woke! remember once you allow people to determine how you feel you are giving them a go-ahead to manipulate you. Whether you just found out you are a victim of manipulation or you are a manipulator it’s time to make things right and become a better person for yourself and everyone around you. Life is not so long to spend on manipulating people or being manipulated, we all deserve healthy relationships. That day you have been waiting for to say NO or to STOP is today, let this content change your life for good.
Are you still unsure if you are a manipulator or a victim? Do you want to get linked to a therapist? send me a mail and let’s talk about it! momentswithchika@gmail.com or visit our website momentswithchika.com
Question: Do you think most manipulations are intentional?If this was helpful kindly leave a comment and use the share button to get it across to your loved ones ❤️
